All the pretty stars

Wearing penguins

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 04:38:37 GMT

It;s strange how someone you really don't know anything about and who really doesn't know you gets qualified to help you with your problems. The more I step back and look, and I mean really look, at my life and those in it I really don't have a ton to be stressed about. The home front will most likely always be a place of conflict. What do you expect? Basically where things are at now are the best I expect them to get. I'm just biding my time now, I have a more concrete time line so that's going to help get me through the next year. I feel kind of guilty, I didn't want to get upset during my last session so I corralled the conversation to a safe and essentially meaningless topic that is really a non-issue for me. But for as much I want to disregard what this person is telling me about how to deal with things, listening to her has made a significant change in how I handle things close to me.

I just want to move on with my life. Is this really growing up or just more avoiding? Who really gives a fuck anymore...it's life!!

It's Sunday morning, do you know where your pants are?

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 06:30:22 GMT

Because I sure do...I'm wearing them!!!

It's been a difficult week and this is the first time I'm admitting it to myself and anyone else. I started school on Monday which wasn't too bad but Mondays will be a long day for me. I have a feeling that I'll be physic's bitch for the semester. Enough said with that. Andrew's divorce was finalized Monday as well. He said he'd be pretty much ok by the end of this week...and he isn't. I don't know what else to say or do. I referred him to talk to someone but he said it won't get him anywhere so there really isn't much more I can do, he's an adult. I'm at a loss and really I can only be there for him, nothing else. I feel bad that there are times that I just don't want to deal with things. But, being the sucker that I am, I care about him and I'm going to stick around (which I have some unresolved issues with myself) and hope for the best. I just don't want to look back on this and go "why?!" ...again. I'm scared I'm not strong enough. Ehh, I'm learning to roll with things and that's just what I'm gonna do.

Damn I need some sleep

Oh, if anyone wants to attend... My 23rd birthday is Saturday February 10th. I'll be getting wasted at the Palamino in Bay View. All are welcome! I might even bring cupcakes along! I plan on getting there around 8pm, come whenever stay until whenever.

ridiculousness

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 01:58:44 GMT

I'm scared that things will actually work out between Andrew and I...*shaking in my boots* We're already talking about future things...not all, just some. We do agree on some ground rules: 1) no talk (or think/joke)of marriage before we've been together for 6 months. 2) certain feelings shouldn't be voiced yet because it is too early. That's basically it.

cautiously optimistic

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 06:02:59 GMT

(yet again) I am with someone. Is he different from the others? We'll ultimately have to wait and see but so far so good. I've met a good chunk of his family already and we've only really been together since the 27th of November. We're spending Christmas Eve with his family and he's spending Christmas with me. We've gotten together every day for the last 13 days. It's been good. Very good. I hope I don't screw this up. It's a little weird to have a better understanding of what people mean when they say they just "know" things are right with a partner. I'm taking everything with a grain of salt and just being me along the way.

Life is good!

Ohhh I will have an "A" in Math class!!! SOOO happy!

Only 2 months (or 62 days) until my 23rd Birthday!! Anyone know of places or halls that I could potentially rent? I might be able to get the Response to play (minus peter, which would probably be a good thing), hooray!

Music made me do it

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 02:47:22 GMT

I drove over 200 miles for a CD. And it was totally worth it.

You make me feel like you're holding my head underwater

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 01:55:07 GMT

I have the desire to be unencumbered. I'm going to call Rob and tell him to pick up the movies he left at my house and that we are officially done. No more of this break bullshit. He told me that he loved to hang out with me and even though we are are a break he'd want to get together...*sniff sniff* anyone smell that? I think it's...no it couldn't be...yup...it's more bullshit. He's texted me once since Oct. 27th (the day the break started). I texted him a few days ago to say "how r u?" he wrote back that he's been very busy. Yeah, Ok, whatever you say skippy. But he managed to go out with a girl (maybe it was a group but that isn't the point). I'm just glad I didn't call him and ask to get together, been rejected, then seen the comment from her on your myspace. I would have fucking lost it. What the hell I've already lost it. I'll wait until my dad leaves before I call him, I don't need my dad seeing any of the aftermath of this mess. I'm just pissed off and letting off some steam so that when I do talk to him I don't start yelling. I don't know why I care that he's possibly seeing another girl when I've been doing much worse than that. And will continue to do things, hahaha! ;)

Luckily I have friends who care! They are much more important to me than some preppy ass kid. Hooray! I can't wait to shake it next Saturday!!

Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 04:34:26 GMT

Rob wants time to get his life in order, so I happily obliged. I actually had a smile on my face, what the fuck?! It was all done over the phone (don't get me started) at 11pm ish. As soon as he said those words my confusion, frustration, anger and other assorted emotions gave way to happiness and a sense of freedom. I've never found relationships to be confining but I guess I wasn't ready for what we had. I don't know if we'll ever get back together but right now it doesn't really matter to me. I feel like my life is waiting for me. It's a strange feeling and it's hard to describe how it feels, how my mind's eye sees it. But it's beautiful.

Is it wrong that I've kissed 3 of my favorite men in the last 72 hours? Peter's excited that I'm unattached, at least this time should be different. I know more about the both of us than I have before and can keep it professional...in a sense. Todd was happy to have someone with him for his birthday...his 38th. Haha I do love me the older men...shiiiit! Haha oh yes, Peter just turned 28(he's the youngest of the 3). But PJ, 30, is where I'm at risk. I've been attracted to him since I met him. He lives in Rockford, IL which is a bit of a problem. But since nothing is serious, ever, I'm content to let whatever is going to happen, happen. I want nothing to do with commitment right now. I'm fucking rambling. It's been a long weekend. I had a fucking GREAT time in Rockford Friday night. I wore and angel outfit, kind of, to the Response's show at the ELB. We all had a great time. Then I went to Mary's Place to see The Moment play. It was fucking awesome too. A lot of people were dancing and drinking and having fun. I got to meet Chris the drummer from Amazing Transparent Man (a band I loved back when I was 18, Chris even remembered the Milwaukee show I saw them at) who, it turns out, has been friends with PJ for 9 years. Chris tried to get me to come back to Rockford Saturday night too but there was no way I was driving another 200 miles round trip. Since I was a fan of the rum and cokes I stayed the night there and had to wake up at 6:15am to drive back to Milwaukee so I could work my 3 hour lifeguarding shift. I'm taking it easy this week, but may be going to Madison to see the Moment play a show this Wed. night.

hell, I need to go to bed...

She keeps repeating

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 02:31:34 GMT

I'm still in school (some days it's tempting to just stay in bed) and it's actually going quite well.   I'm proud of myself for that.

I don't know if I'm just projecting things onto Rob but I feel on edge. I've been given little if no reason to doubt him. But from all the shit in my past I can't seem to let the racing thoughts go! I feel like a terrible person for getting angry at him for stupid shit. the other day minutes after I logged into myspace he signed off, so I got pissed and thought that cuz I was on he had to leave. I'd called him earlier that day but hadn't gotten a call back yet. He called me up a little later to tell me that he's fallen asleep after work and then when he signed off it was to shower. man I felt stupid. Last night when he was over I asked him if he liked me being his girlfriend (how lame!) then told him that if he wanted to be with someone else he just had to tell me. He told me that yes he liked me being with him and to shoosh about the seeing other people and that was that. Can anyone recommend a good therapist?! Seriously I have no idea why I'm doing this! James thoughts from you, you tend to be quite insightful! I feel stupid bringing these feelings and thoughts up to Rob. I guess this just proves that all this front of me being so secure is a facade. I don't know why I'm so insecure. If things don't work out with Rob I'm not afraid that I'll never find someone else.   Fuck I hate being such a headcase.  Maybe all this is because we aren't spending as much time together as we did in the beginning of the relationship. Work and home obligations have definatly put a strain on things. Most of our time together anymore is usually spent at my house watching TV or talking then falling asleep on the living room floor for a while. fuck, I don't know, I feel dumb as shit.    There is just so much other shit going on in my life that might be making any insecurities worse. eh, I'll deal with this eventually.

I'm excited because I finally started to weight train. It'll give me something to do when I have days off of work and Rob isn't around. (yes I do have a boring life and right now I don't mind).

Plenty of good things coming up on my schedule tho! The Response is playing at the mirimar next Tuesday, I'm skipping out of work for that. My friend's wedding is coming up this following weekend. Some other shows I can't remember off the top of my head. Good shit like that.

Speaking of Response...Went to their show last night. They didn't play until last so I sat out in their van with them, in assorted groups (they'd leave to talk to people, drink, pee, etc.) I laughed so hard, it was great. The jokes and dirty jokes and dirtier comments were flowing. good times, good times.

yea, whatever.

i'm boring

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 03:59:09 GMT

I am happy! I did it all by myself! Rob just adds to it. 3 more days and it will be 2 months that we are together, hooray!

I started school tuesday, what an adjustment it is! Silly homework to do! Luckily I only have 8 credits (3 classes) that meet Tue/Thur and thats it. I don't like that I have to work but since there is nothing I can do about that (I REFUSE to take out a student loan, I might as well give them my first 3 kids!) I work as best I can in spite of my sleepiness. Um yea!

I'm excited that my life should be relatively boring for the next several weeks, it'll give me time to sleep! I have nothing much to write about so I'll just go and get some Zzzzz's!

MMmm Venture Brothers!

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 04:06:52 GMT

Emma is 4 months old now. It's crazy how big they get! Rob and I are still together and things are going well. He's up north right now with his family for a reunion type deal and I miss him. Since he was gone I went out last night with my friend from Middle School, Robyn. Headed to a few bars and ended up at Kelly's bleachers. Seems like a decent place, at least it's a bar I can finally dance at!

Other than just little things here and there all I'm basically doing is working. I feel like I watched a lot of TV today despite all the time I spent doing other things. I'm really excited (still) for school to start. The orientation is on the 31st. I have to spend money on books...shit. I wonder if I really need them. The math book, probably need that. But the intro to kines, hmm maybe I can just get away with using the textbook I have. I have a sneaking suspition I'm wrong.

Oh yea, I saw Peter on Friday night at the Palamino. Maybe he was playing an acustic set with Steve. I didn't even hug him, we just waved from our respective tables and that was it. I swear he's thinner. Then Steve and Peter left to go over to the Cactus club to do their thing. It was a little weird for me but I was there with Rob and I'd had a drink so I was feeling pretty good. We were originally going to go to the show but since Rob was leaving for "Up Nort(h)" (der hey!) we decided to chill at my place. This is comfortable...

Man this is the crappiest building here!!

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 04:25:00 GMT

I've been working very hard to keep my brain from sabatoging the nice things that are going on in my life. And so far it's been working. I'm a little uneasy to be gone to Florida for 5 days, which is stupid since last time I left for 8 days and things were fine. Rob and I made it to one month, good for us. I'm finally being rational and taking things as they come...which means slowly. We went to the Fair today and had a great time cooing over baby animals (piglets, ducklings, chicks, billies, sheep) and goats. We each saw people we knew, I ran into someone I hadn't seen in around 3 years, always interesting. He ran into an ex-girlfriend's father, again interesting. We ate plenty of food, walked and chatted until it was time to get back to our lives. I'm crazy about him. I feel comfortable around him talking about the crazy things that I do and see. There is hardly a door that goes by that isn't opened for me. I thought they stopped teaching boys how to be gentlemen, thank god I was wrong. Even if our future isn't together I know that his kids will be brought up the same way and that is strangly comforting. He needs to get healthy so I can kiss him again! Hmm or maybe he can be ill while I'm gone to ensure nothing crazy happens. *shrug* he knows I'll beat the shit out of someone if they try anything, it's just the right thing to do. Anyways, if I hurt my hands my disability insurance will cover most of my expenses. Haha we need to get out as much as we can before I start school!!! This fall and winter will be crazy busy!

Life is most certainly good. Even if Rob and I didn't get together (thankfully we did which put an end to the weakness in me about letting mark move back here) I would still be OK. Horray!!!

Oh yea, I'm done with GC!!

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 13:39:23 GMT

Where do I begin? My insecurities are creeping up on me. All those irrational thoughts are popping back into my head. I know I'm partially to blame for them but mark really helped solidify them too. I don't understand why, Rob hasn't given me any reason to doubt his intentions. I want to blame the guys before Rob for this mess in my head. But that isn't entirely fair because I'm the one who probably needs therapy, but with no money and no time too fucking bad! But I like this guy and he seems to like me so I'll make the effort not to ruin this. If we can just make it thru the next month and a half things should be ok. He's McGyver and I'm swooning. Maybe we'll go out tonight.

Now I get to call my boss at Guitar Center and straighten my work situation out. Bah, I don't want to deal with this right now. Oh well.

Oh yea, I've yet to hear from Peter. Am I surprised, no. Am I a little hurt, yes. Probably for the best because boundaries don't concern him much, at least in regards to me.

My thoughts are never linear.

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 00:39:04 GMT

Emma will be 3 months old on Wed. She's getting big!   And loud, and bouncy.

Rob and I are still together and officially seeing each other or dating or whatever you want to call it. I was honestly shocked when he was the one to put "In a Relationship" on his myspace profile first. You can look at his cute self there, he's the guy on my friend's list who's number 4 on my top 8. Things are going well in that department of my life, finally.  Other than that I still have a tendency to skip workouts, eat out too often, drink a little too much, stay up way past my bedtime to just watch TV with Rob, and avoid yard work like the plague.

It looks like it will rain again soon, I can't wait. I hope there is thunder and lightning.

Karen O. from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs has an amazing voice. I like that she has her own style and doesn't try to win people over by fitting the Hollywood standard of beauty. Which, in my opinion, makes her even more beautiful. But that voice, wow. It has some hauntingly eerie quality that I can't get enough of.

Well my ramblings are done for now. I should make dinner but I ate SO much at the chinese buffet today. oh well.

Goofy things are happening

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 22:05:24 GMT

in my life! I'm so excited! I met a boy! And he's only a month and 2 days older than me. He's adorable and we hit it off oh so well. We ended up spending lots of time together last monday thru thursday. I'm actually crazy for him! He's coming over to pick me up in about 30 minutes and he's going to have to meet my parents since we just got back from a wedding and they are staying in town for a while (SOOO HAPPY TO SEE THEM!). I should go spend some time with the folks now.

More gushing later, or not. Its just unreal how much we are into each other. I need to take a cold shower now....

Slowly losing my mind

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 13:50:29 GMT

Want to feel better about your messed up life? Read about mine!!!

The background info: Mark came up on sunday to get the rest of his shit from my house. We ended up talking (of course this was bound to happen) about our failed relationship and our lives since the break up. He wants me to take my time and think about us getting back together. He says he's willing to change how he acted before to stay with me. He even said that he was ring shopping in december and january. He wanted to ask me to marry him at the grand opening of the GC in rockford. He didn't because of how young I was, he didn't think i want to get married, my dad would be pissed off (and how!!) and some other piddley bullshit.

The way things are looking, we are both going to stay single. I really can't tell if you are being sincere or not. When i saw you I didn't get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know that fluttery, excited and a little nervous feeling. The one that tells you that you are in love or at least excited about a person. Even when we kissed on the lips, nothing. I've already saved myself. I am no longer invested in anything that happens between us. I don't think i believe that you were being "dense" all that time, I think you were looking for something better, you couldn't find it so you came running back to me. It's pure bullshit mark. I think all this effort is too little too late. I'd rather be alone than question my decisions. If...IF we get back together I don't think it'd last. I don't think i'd be into it. I've gotten past a lot of things and issues, why would I throw myself back into that?

He claims to want to quit GC for me, for screwing up his personal life. He even admitted to putting his career ahead of me. Well I guess the tables are turning now because that's my intention. Its not just putting it in front of him, its putting it in front of any guy! Dan savage would say DTMFA, even tho I've already dumped him. fuck!

Haha just when life was getting back to "normal"!!! oh well, I have plenty to drink at my house and plenty of work to do :) eh, I can't tell how I even feel about his emails. I want to laugh at them. I don't trust his intentions. I think he just wants a family and doesn't care who he has it with. My family will be SO angry if we get back together. Well shit! I have laundry to do, I'll deal with this later!

Life's been goin...per usual!

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 04:23:24 GMT

Umm It's been a while I guess. Baby is getting bigger!! She's adorable. I love her so much!

I miss my friend peter. I really don't know if I should call him a firend but i will. Because I can. I've been drinking tonight, it's fun! I'm getting drunk on wine, what a trip! I called my friend Brent from swim team. He was actually home so we;re planning on getting together. I can't believe its been 2 years. I missed him!

I'm babbling so I'm done for now!

Just an obligation

Sat, 20 May 2006 23:52:46 GMT

Things have been interesting. Emma is doing well, and she's still a cutie!

Out of the blue, after 2 months of dead air between Peter and I, he text messages me may 11th. And like the sucker I am for him I give in and text him back and agree to meet...for massage. As I'm driving to meet him at the office he tells me to come to his house instead. We watched a movie and ordered chinese. To my complete and utter surprise he called me last night. Same shit different shovel. I get to turn down my 36 year old friend at dinner tonight. Wayyyy too old to date him...way too old! I'm addicted to myspace...sort of. I'm finding so many friends and people on there. My best friend from middle school found me! We have yet to get together but we're trying!

tadaaaaa

Mon, 01 May 2006 06:01:59 GMT

So on Wed. 4/26 at 11:50am Emma Rose was born! 8lbs. 10oz. 20.5 inches. Beautiful!! Thats been pretty much all thats been going on in my life.

I'm tragically attracted to a guy who lives in Rockford, IL. No not the ex, thank god. But this one is a musician too, attractive, a truely nice guy and a good kisser. I wish i hadn't left Madison early that saturday but there is no point in regrets.
At the Alkaline trio show last night i caught eyes with a guy who looked eerily like Peter. fuckin' weird. I was going to go over and talk to him too, cuz he's hot, but he left before i could...balls...I nearly cried when Matt (from alkaline trio) sang acustically "sorry about that" wtf! I never cry at shows! i think it brought up emotions and memories that i'd rather keep buried. they were about peter, bastard! eh we used each other for our own selfish ends and that was that. I did see the REsponse, in their van heading up to Ripon on saturday. I waved but didn't know if Jesus recognised me or not. my life.

So much time gone...

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 17:12:48 GMT

Erika is still pregnant.

I've only talked to Mark a handful of times, which is ok by me. I've managed to develop a crush on PJ, who lives in Rockford. I've also managed to sleep with someone who is turning 37 this year. I think I'm putting a stop to the older guys. 30 and younger. I only say 30 because PJ is turning 30 in may, and I don't want to leave out that possibility. I drove to madison friday night to see the Moment, the band PJ is in, play a show at teh annex. it was great, I was drunk and shakin' my ass all over the place. The afterparty was pretty mellow, which was fine. I just gave PJ a back massage then went to bed in someone's bed who was in jail. eh.

other than that nothing has really happend since april 1st. still nothing from peter, which is fine by me. umm yea thats about it. althought I do get out and about a lot more! mmm bars!

It'd better be nice tonight

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 17:19:07 GMT

Felix Culpa tonight at Madplanet, 5pm! Hopefully Cassie and I are going together. If not I'll go by myself and hang out with the 15 year olds. My mom is safely back in Florida. I can't wait to visit. Seeing how my tax refund is AWESOME! I can actually afford a plane ticket!

I almost shared my insecurities with my friend Dave last night. Kind of glad I didn't. I hate that feeling of vulerability you get when you know someone knows something about you that they can use against you. I did share however more about my past than I did with Mark. But it was one of those drinking and venting situations and I didn't mind. I think I found myself a drinking buddy!

I'm so bored. I want something to happen and I don't know what. Haha I need a hobby! Does sleeping count?! Oh probably not, I'm bad at it anyways. Still no call from peter, what a shitty thing to do to a friend, at least I thought we were friends. maybe i was mistaken, like always. he says he's a nice guy but i think he's full of it. on to more pleasant things...

Any day now, I'm going to be an auntie!! I hope it's a convient time for me to be there so I can be in the delivery room. I'll probably cry so maybe it's better if i'm not. I can't wait for this baby.

Who...

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 18:06:50 GMT

Likes/ed the band Cadillac Blindside? Turns out the new guitar center store manager here in brookfield is the singer (Zaq Zrust) of the defunct band. I guess i shouldn't post my comments about him just yet. A plus, he knows my friend PJ from Rockford, and Peter knows Zaq too. Fuckin' musicians. Speaking of... I walked right into that one. So peter and I are at it again. And it was amazing. Started off as a massage trade, which should take about 2.5 hours to complete. We didn't leave for about 3.5 hours. I'm scared because I might get pulled in and have more than just an infatuation with him. I'm more scared that he won't return my feelings for him. At this point it isn't a big deal because I'm not ready for anything. Jeez I over think situations and potential situations. Turns out PJ might like me, but since I'm sleeping with peter, I don't want to get drunk and sleep with PJ if peter wants me....ahhh make the insanity stop. He's not my boyfriend so why should he give a shit?! I don't even know if he's sleeping with anyone else (although i doubt it). Haha, I make a mountain out of a mole hill in easily fixable situations instead of dealing with all of the shit I can't change and all the emotions i've shut away. I feel like someone changed my birth control with antidepressants. ahh I need a drink...and sleep!!

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 20:49:56 GMT

It's finally happened. Mark and I broke up sunday. I wouldn't have thought this could happen just a few months ago. But a couple of weeks ago I knew it had to happen. I've lost my best friend... but that happens. Blah! I'm surprisingly OK, for now. I haven't even had a drink to usher in this "rebirth" as my mom calls it. nancy hammer is so strange sometimes, but i love her because of it. When I get home I'm going to clean up the place and rearrange some things, make it like new. but no one will know about it but me and matt and erika and the cats. I want to get together with peter but he's not feeling well and probably thinks i'm upset with him because i hung up on him because he had me on hold for a while and i was bored. I want his hugs.
I have the scent of PJ on my jacket. We hugged saturday night and it's still there and it smells so good. I want to drink with that guy. OH OH if yer in Madison on March 16th and 21+ they have a show (The Moment ---> themomentrock.com) at the klinic bar if i remember it right. If I can leave work early I might go go go!!! they rock so fucking good!!!

It's very windy today. I wish we would get 10 (or more) inches of snow...

hehe my gerbil rocks

I like that...

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 17:29:57 GMT

Siren

What is your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't have much to say besides, I think I'm going to keep going with all that I shouldn't! If you want to know the details that I work so hard to keep covered, you're going to have to buy me a drink.

It is official

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 15:51:53 GMT

I drink again. And I have been, mainly rum and cokes. Yum. there has been a lot of things going on in my life and i really don't feel like writing about them because it could fall into the wrong hands, which always will end up doing, so i'll keep it in my head. that is all for now...

Just a shell

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 17:11:10 GMT

of my former self. I got tipsy Tuesday night on cheap champagne in my living room with Peter. We were watching "kissing a fool" then wrestling then kissing. and i feel nothing...nothing at all. I'm blaming it on a blow to the head that I sustained Tuesday morning. I don't really feel guilty, I don't really feel that deep dark desire for Peter or for Mark. I just feel kinda gray. At least I had some things already decided in my head before he came over, I was NOT going to sleep with him under any circumstances. and i didn't, I'm so proud of myself. But good god could this guy kiss. Now I remember why it was so hard for me to want to give him up years ago! But even after that I just don't care that much. I wanted him to just curl up in bed with me more than anything else. Do you think I'm going to tell Mark about this? i honestly don't know. again i don't really feel any guilt (very very bad!!!) i don't feel anything at all. I can't even cry. Mark is coming to visit this weekend, we'll talk. I kind of want to get together with Peter again tonight for the company. honest. he's entertaining and we can talk and massage each other without it feeling awkward.

this life need re-arranging. or a shrink...

oh oh before I forget: go to www.themomentrocks.com This is an AMAZING band out of Rockford. I can't stop listening to their CD. I met the singer PJ, cool guy, really great kid, amazing singer!